Hi all. Long post, sorry, but please bear with me.
I’ve been vague and quiet the past several weeks not because I got bored of blogging, but because my entire world turned upside down.
My amazing mother, who was not only my best friend but was literally the only person who got my Star Trek jokes, died suddenly last month. Regular readers of my blog will know how often I mention her because if it hadn’t been for my mother, I wouldn’t love reading and sci-fi as much as I do.
Losing her would be hard enough in itself, but she left behind my father, an elderly veteran who had a massive stroke a few years ago. She had been his caregiver and was also the majority of their income.
I had been residing overseas, finally starting to get somewhere in my life professionally and personally. I’ve now had to give all that up to come back to the US to care for him. It was a no brainer to do so, but as a result I’ve lost everything I was starting to build including my amazing husband and family. Immigration is a bitch.
I’m dealing with a lot at the moment. My mother left no instructions so it’s been an uphill battle trying to figure out their finances, bills, and all the bureaucratic nonsense and costs that come with death in the USA. And of course covid makes everything harder and more time consuming. It feels like for every step forward I make, I end up six steps back.
I thought I might have help, though. My father had children from his first marriage, children who are significantly older than me. My father met my mother years after his divorce and while she was younger than him, she had nothing to do with his divorce.
But apparently his kids never forgave him for it despite the fact their mother married someone much younger as well. I had no idea the level of his children’s resentment. We spent all holidays together, talked often, and were what I thought was a “modern family,” yet as soon as my mother died their true colors came out.
All I asked was if my dad could stay with them for a few weeks so I could go overseas and sort out things there. Despite the fact they’re all well off and retired, I offered to pay them for this. They went ballistic at me and started spouting utterly hateful things.
Two hours after my mother died, my “sister” told me to stop being hysterical and having a pity party. Not one of them expressed any kind of sympathy for my mother’s death except to send him awful cards that I luckily intercepted before he could read them. I don’t have the heart to tell him what has happened. I’ve made sure to get a trust and power of attorney so that they don’t come for what little he has.
A lot of my wedding photos are going to need to be edited once I get a chance.
I haven’t had time to grieve. My days are spent constantly on the phone, dealing with realtors, SSA, the VA, doctors, attorneys, accountants, the bank, insurance companies, packing up the house, and making heartbreaking decisions about what to throw out and what to keep.
Everything here right down to the stupid pencils I had as a kid have a memory and I’m having to throw most of it away because I can afford to keep it. I’m leveraged to the hilt as it is from everything I’ve had to pay for recently for my parents.
All while dealing with a man who, while sweet and wonderful, can’t be left alone for more than a minute or two because he might set the house on fire or rip up an important document. A man who also lost the love his life.
Up until the day she died, both of them were still disgustingtly in love, holding hands, kissing, telling each other how much they loved one another. The first thing my father said when he regained consciousness after the stroke was, “Her….She’s my love.” He didn’t know her name, but his love for her survived the brain damage.
In short, my life is a living hell and I’m doing all of this alone. I’ve lost my mother, my childhood home, the family I thought I had, all my money, my job, and the life I had been building. It’s only been 6 weeks. It’s a lot of loss in a short period of time.
And my mother’s death was entirely preventable.
Her doctor changed her medication and she had some tough side effects, but he disappeared off the face of the planet. My mom, my husband and I called the doctor constantly, left voicemails, hell I even started spamming his fax machine.
I tried to get her another doctor, I spent hours on the phone trying to find anyone, offering to pay out of pocket, but the teledocs weren’t much help and we couldn’t find another doctor who would take on her care.
She should have just gone to the hospital, but my hometown has been hit hard by covid and she was scared. I offered to fly back to help her, but she was too worried I’d get sick. I’ll never forgive myself for that. I should have gotten on that damn plane.
I arrived in time to see her lucid enough to know I was there, but covid lockdowns prevented me from seeing her again. It looked like she was going to be ok, that she would have a lot of rehab but would survive. However, she then had what the doctors called a “catastrophic stroke.” I was forced at that point to make the decision to take her off life support.
She fought for a long time, but when my dad finally said, “I love you baby, it’s ok to go,” she died a few moments later.
I know it’s not rational, but I feel like I killed my mother. God, I just want my mom.
My mother was taken away from me. Then I lost everything else. Even if I could concentrate enough to read- which it turns out I can’t in this state- I wouldn’t be able to give books the reviews they deserve. I apologise to the authors and publishers I made commitments to.
Book blogging has been one of the most incredible experiences of my life and I do hope to take it up again soon. Please wait for me.
As my governor once said, I’ll be back.
P.S. I hope you’re all well. Please message me if you’re not, I’m always available as a friendly, supportive ear in these unprecented times.
3 thoughts on “A Little Nerd Update”
Oh, how horrible for you. There are no words. I hope you find some peace.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So many blogs that I follow so even though I follow your blog I’m not sure I’ve read lots of your past posts. Even so, you sound like you are just completely at the end of your tether and I feel for you, I really do. What a heartbreaking set of events and so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your mum. From the sounds of it I’d guess your step-siblings are not so much holding resentment as shirking responsibility, behaving selfishly because they don’t want any of this to cost them anything either in money or time. Very sad when children forget who brought them into the world.
I so wish that the people of the UK would listen and take note how much of a threat our own health service is under from privatisation, they just don’t take it seriously enough and yet here is a lesson of what happens when health care is run privately. I’m so sad to hear what happened to your mum but you know deep down that you did everything you possibly could.
I just wanted to offer some words of sympathy as it sounds like there hasn’t been much on offer from your family. I hope you manage to get some of this sorted and as the English saying goes “don’t let the buggers grind you down”. Very best wishes for you and your dad and sincere condolences for the sad loss of your mum.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, that’s awful. I’m so sorry for your losses.
LikeLiked by 1 person